Out of the mouth of Little old Ladies Babes

The four older boys are at Scout camp all week so I only the five younger with me when I went to the store.

The two cutest little old ladies came up to us and were looking at the kids.

When you are reading this conversation it helps if you think the words for the Little Old Ladies in a cute little old lady voice. It makes it more realistic. And, if you are looking for realism, please think my words in a beautiful, sexy va-voom voice. ahem...

Little Old Lady 1: "Are all these kids yours?"

Me: "Yes, they are sure are."

LOL1: "You have five kids?"

Me: "Well, I actually have nine kids."

LOL1: (said with amazement) "You have nine kids?"

Me: (said with a smile) "Yep, I sure do."

LOL1: "Then why are you smiling?"

Me: **confused**

LOL1 turns to LOL2 and whispers (loudly enough for me to hear) "She's smiling because she's already gone over the edge."

LOL1: (turns back to me and pats me on the arm) "Well, that's nice dear."

Darn. And here I thought this whole time that I was doing a pretty good job of hiding my insanity.

Guess I'll have to try harder...

Family Swim

Joshua enjoying summer! What a fish!

Kinda weird picture that makes Timothy's head look like it is doing a floaty thing

Elizabeth

Matthew

Corey with Levi and Hannah

Corey is really good about taking the kids down to the local pool for Family Swim. Levi is definitely the most challenging because he goes all kamikaze in the water of the three younger ones. Corey said that he just had to keep a really close eye on him...all the time.

What? No pictures of me at the pool? That is because they don't make a full body swim suit that is not a wet suit and I am nice to the fellow pool goers and refrain from attempting to pour myself into my pre-baby #5...or was it #6? suit. I just can't myself from being nice all the time.

You're welcome.

Swimming Lessons

Hannah, Levi and Matthew all started swimming lessons last week. Every day they drive me insane asking if it's time to go yet they wait patiently until it's time to head down to the pool.

Matthew, being 5, is in an older class this year and has an instructor all to himself. He is LOVING it!!! He appears to be a fish like his older brothers and sister.

Hannah, being the prima-donna that she is, did not want to get her hair wet. She did, however, dip in a toe or two just to look fashionable. After all, it is all about looking good at the pool and not so much about the whole learning how to swim thing.

Levi, on the other hand, has no fear, whatsoever. Daily, he gives his poor instructor a good workout. The high school kid that is Levi's instructor is probably regretting his summer job choice. We do what we can to enlighten the teenagers on how hard parenting is. We are just good citizens like that.


Levi and Hannah in the 3 year old class

Who needs water? I just come to play with the new toys.


Levi, being shuttled back to the shallow end of the pool...again...

Matthew, aka Fish Boy

They are going for 3 different sessions. 1st session, 3rd session and the 5th session. I did it that way to give them a break in between who am I kidding, it is a break for me, it's all about me.

Happy Swimming!!!

Not Me Monday

It's Monday again and time for another round of confession Not Me Monday!

First let me tell you that I really am Wonderwoman. I fear nothing except sharks, snakes, bugs, dogs and really ugly shoes, am super strong and have cool little bracelets that deflect bullets. And don't even get me started on those amazing red boots...

So...

When out walking with my husband, it was not me that froze in fear when hearing a dog coming. Having a dog chase me when I was 8 years old would not scar me for life because that would show weakness and I am not weak.

I did not utter a naughty word and jump behind my husband, pinching his skin as I frantically grabbed his shirt to more effectively hold my human shield in place.

Because I am uber brave, it was not me that peeked out from behind my husband to watch the dog waddle run over to us.

I certainly wouldn't have felt the least bit embarrassed to find out that the very old, very fat dog was just nicely checking to see if we had something for him to eat. I certainly can tell the difference between an attack dog and an old grey muzzled fat one.

ahem...

I am a wonderful driver. I scoff at the obvious low IQ that other drivers flaunt on a daily basis. I got 100% on my drivers test and drive with perfection everyday.

So...

It was not me that failed to notice that the garage door was not fully up before putting the van into reverse. My hearing is very good although I do have mom hearing that tunes out annoying child noises in order to preserve what is left of my sanity and I would have heard that the door was still on it's upward climb.

Because I pay the utmost attention to what I am doing while driving I would have immediately stepped on the brakes. I would not have backed the van up into the garage door.

Upon hearing the collision of van vs. garage door I would not have wondered what the heck was going on. Theories of possible reasons for the crash that did not include me at fault would not have quickly ran through my head either.

Upon arriving home, it was not me that didn't pull the great white beast van far enough into the driveway before closing the electric gate. Just because my van is 100 feet long does not excuse me from knowing where the back of it is.

It would not have been my eyes that widened in shock upon hearing the gate spank crash into the back of the van. I certainly pay better attention that that.

When the kids asked "what was that" I also wouldn't have I lied...I lied, it was a big fat lie told a small fib and said "What are you talking about? I didn't hear anything."

And in the spirit of "Not Me Monday" it's going to be "not you" that better not tell my "not husband" about the van incident(s).

Because, if you do, like Hannah says...yes, zip it, I know I'm copying a three year old here

"You're not my buddy anymore!"

ahem...

Bow Giveaway!

Because the kids are totally working me over already and summer only just started I wanted to do something fun, I made some more little girl hairbows!

My friend, Rachel, so graciously, is posting the giveaway on her blog how lazy am I to dump that on her? for me so click here to go and enter!!!

Don't have a little girl? No prob! I'll bet you can find someone to use them as bargaining or bribery give them to!

Remember, you need to head over to Rachel's blog to enter (details are over there).

Happy start of summer!!!

Instructions for creating a she-beast

Don't ever make her walk anwhere...
Hold her whenever she wants...

Give her lots of kisses...

and snuggles.

Give in to this face...

and this face...

Ok, give in to any face...

Laugh when she tells you no...

But don't ever tell her no...

Because telling her no would be wrong...

Let her eat your food just because she wants to...

Don't make her stay in bed...

Even if she's tired...

Give her whatever she wants...

Whenever she wants...

All the time...

legal disclaimer: if you follow these instructions, are displeased with the outcome and decide to seek legal retribution please be advised that I am fully prepared to take my children some of my children a couple of my children can I at least take my shoe collection? myself out of the country to escape prosecution.

And yes, I realize that my daughter has a large bruise on her face. She fought the table, the table won and now the table is being used for firewood as punishment.

How you know that you have teenage boys...

On a bright note, I was able to clean the cupboard easier...

Just when I thought that I'd heard it all

I honestly thought that at this point in my motherhood career I had heard it all and some of them over and over and over again...

I had these three little QT pies in the triple stroller and Lily in the frontpack no wonder my back has problems and was at the store.

A lady came up to the stroller and stood there looking at Matthew, Hannah and Levi.

She turned to me and asked,

"Are them three twins?"

Because I suspected that she wasn't the brightest crayon in the box I didn't laugh but a woman standing nearby did...and loud.

I just smiled and told her "nope, they sure aren't."

But I have to give her credit...I hadn't heard that one before.

The Lovely Blog Award

Lisa over at Rants and Rambles has awarded lil ol me with the "One Lovely Blog Award".

That totally makes my day!

I just don't know what to say.

**whips acceptance speech out of pocket**

**clears throat**

First, I just want to thank all of my...

What?

No speech?

Oh...Alrighty then...I see how you are.

Keeping on with the rules sharing of the love, I will now nominate blogs that I have newly discovered so they can get rid of it like a hot potato pass it on down the line.

If you accept your nomination then please leave me a comment and nominate blogs on your own blog.

1. Joie

2. Journey to Josie

3. Mi Vida Loca

4. Surrendering All

5. The Missing Piece



I think you can nominate up to 10 but I'm afraid that the natives are getting restless that I'm out of time.



I noticed that four of these blogs are about foster and/or adoptive care. I guess that makes it apparent where my heart is...

A new fairy tale

Once upon a time...there was a bowl full of grapes.


Five minutes later...

And the food bill did not live happily ever after.

The End.

8th Grade Graduation

How can it be that the twins have graduated from 8th grade? I'm clearly not old enough to have 14 year old sons.

Last night was their 8th grade recognition and since Michael is the Vice President, he read off half of the names. Joseph was recognized as the Secretary of the Freshman class and a video presentation of 8th grader's baby pictures was shown.

My twins had decided that they would rather not have any baby pictures of them shown so they neglected to inform me of the deadline. Unlucky for them Luckily, I have connections at the school and I had Joshua smuggle take some really cute baby and toddler pictures of the twins in so that they could be embarrassed included.

It was a nicely done event, waaaaaay to hot in the gym, but they kept it short and sweet.

The only sour note for me personally was the way many of the 8th grade girls were dressed. The amount of strapless dresses, cleavage, and extremely short skirts was shocking surprising and I heard several parents comment on how trampy some of the girls looked. I was honestly embarrassed for them and their parents. Why do they feel the need to look like that? It just took away from the reason that we were there.

Maybe I'm just more conservative than most?



The twins, their best buddy friend "As-cool", and the principal.



The twins with my parents.



Proof that they didn't flunk the 8th grade.

My freshman. Gulp!

Bittersweet

How did we go from this-
To this-

When all I did was blink?

The super suit

Back in March when Joseph was notified that he was headed to swimming sectionals we were informed that he would be able to wear a technical suit.

What is a technical suit?

I'm glad you asked.

The answer is...I have no idea.

How helpful am I? Not much at all.

If I had to guess which is exactly what I am doing here it is some kind of expensive swim suit that is expensive is made out of expensive special material.

The coach emailed me a link to a site that carried "reasonably priced" suits.

Ever since Michael Phelps won all those lil gold medals at the summer Olympics a really big deal was made about the Lzr suit. Apparently, there are no seams in the suit, so there is less drag in the water. A whole bunch of world records were broken by swimmers who had the good fortune of being gifted a suit.

Well, my son, who is not like Michael Phelps, because he doesn't smoke pot because his parents don't get him to the pool as much as they should, still loves to swim and is dreaming convinced that he needed a Lzr suit. was that a massive run-on sentence, or what?

So, I clicked on the little linky in the email that the coach sent, just to check the prices of the Lzr suits.

That's when I fell out of my chair in shock.

What in the heck could possible justify spending that kind of all my inheritance and then some money on a swimsuit???

I informed my son that he would swim in his tighty whitey undies before I forked over that kind of dough on a suit.

But, because I felt bad for crushing his dream being the wonderful mother that I am, I checked on ebay just to see if any crazy person had actually bought a suit and needed to sell it. We knew that even if I got really lucky and found one for cheap he wouldn't have it for sectionals. Don't worry, he didn't have to swim in his tighty whiteys

I was mildly surprised to find about a dozen different styles of the Lzr suit and one that was in Joseph's size. The opening bid on this particular suit wasn't the equivalent of an arm and a leg only an arm so I had no problem placing the minimum bid on the suit, so I could watch it better. After all, all the other suits were going for more than the minimum bid and I was confident that I could be outbid quickly. Please raise your hand if you see where this is headed.

Several days passed and I completely spaced forgot about the suit.

Until, much to my shock and horror complete surprise, I received an email congratulating me on my win.

After I cleaned off the protein shake that has erupted out of my nose and onto the keyboard, I did what any self-respecting ebayer would do. I cried I paid for the suit. while dreaming of all the shoe purchases that could have been but that I could no longer afford.

A week or so later the suit arrived. It was not at all what I had expected.

I had assumed that there must be threads of gold woven throughout the suit to justify the price tag or that you would lay a gold brick after putting the suit on. Unfortunately, that was not the case. It felt like a really thin rain jacket. Thin as in fragile. I have nine kids. Nothing fragile survives here. So, it was with great reluctance that I even let the kids look at touch the suit with gloves on and then only with one finger.

Because I am paranoid protecting my Joseph's investment, I then put the suit in the safe in a safe place.

All I know is that he better swim faster than Aquaman with those puppies on.

Guess I should let have him try them on first.

Maybe...

Election 2009

**Please note that this is a long post. If your retinas are prone to bleeding from reading lots and lots of smart-mouthed, sarcastic words then you may want to pass on this one**


A-Cool*, Joseph, Michael, and Just-Cool*

*nicknames used to protect their secret identities. and plus they are not my kids and I don't want their parents to get mad at me.

This last week was the big election.

What? You didn't vote??!!!

Just kidding! It was the election at school for next years class officers.

See these four young men? what happened to my little babies??? All four of these young men are straight A students, athletes, have good values and morals and 3 of the four are almost Eagle Scouts. How grateful I am that my boys have really good friends to hang out with. Especially since they are entering high school in the fall.

For the past couple of weeks they have been consumed focused on the class elections. All four boys ran for a different office and were busy making and hanging up posters, threatening begging people to vote for them and not looking forward to giving speeches.

The night before the big speeches they came to me for help. Being the kind and caring mother that I am, I booted them out of the office and wrote the speeches myself listened to their input and helped them put together sarcastic and smart mouth speeches that fit with their personalities.

I must admit that we didn't come up with the speeches on our own. We plagiarized borrowed bits and pieces from other speeches that we found on-line, twisting the details to fit their own personal style plus they had waited till the night before the speeches and I was a tired, grumpy mama.

Michael, who was running for Vice President of next year's freshmen GULP class, had a very over the top, outrageous speech, given with dead seriousness. I am reprinting it here without his permission.

___________________________________________

Hello, I am Michael W*****, and I approve this message.

My fellow classmates, we face a time of great crisis: the crisis that I might not get elected. Do not sit idly by while this threat rears its ugly, un-American head. Give me your vote right now to ensure that this very real risk never happens.

What can you expect if Michael W***** gets elected? I promise to stock all the bathrooms with vanilla air fresheners. Because we all have the right to smell good things...and vanilla smells good. You’re welcome. I will also personally see to it that you have candy to eat during each class period. Because without candy, there is nothing.

And what if you elect my opponent? Our school rivals will come and leave half eaten hotdogs in the parking lot, Lions will be free to wander the halls, and the teachers will all be required to wear spandex to school. This is not the school that I want.

Remember, election day is not only about the votes I get; it’s also about how many people vote for my opponent. So it’s important for you, as my true supporters, to find people who plan to vote against me and stop them. Democracy must prevail!

I have no fancy campaign promises or devious smear tactics; I’m just a simple, down-home guy who likes adorable puppies, Mom’s apple pie, and nice shoes. I also like eating family dinners, having good, clean fun in a non-threatening fashion, and, of course, freedom. I support everything you support. I oppose everything you oppose. Remember: a vote for me is a vote for you.

Michael W*****, if you want the best, vote for the best.
Thank you!

____________________________________________

Joseph, who was running for Secretary, had a more serious speech with a few funny spots and he claims that his delivery was spot on. Here is his:

____________________________________________________

Hello fellow classmates, many of whom I am honored to call "friend".

My name is Joseph W***** and I’m running for Freshman Class Secretary.

I’m hoping that I’ve already won you over with my charming good looks but just in case that hasn’t happened yet, I’ll move on to Plan B.

I’m a "glass half full" kind of guy, meaning that I choose to see the good in all situations. I don’t let problems become obstacles but merely view them as stepping stones to a brighter future.

For example, picture yourself at the beach. How do you view it? Is it all about the sunburn, sand in your...costume, cold water and a stomach that isn’t quite 6 pack-ish? Or do you see the beauty? The sun, sand and waves? It’s all about perspective and having "vision". And I am proud to say that vision is my middle name.

I am honored and proud to be part of an amazing team. A team of four friends that are great athletes, wonderful students and have high standards, values and a strong work ethic. Four friends that proudly represent some of the finest that this school has to offer.


Along with my twin brother Michael, Just-Cool* the W*****enator and A-Cool* Smackdown E*** we make up one truly remarkable team. A team that will lead this amazing group of students, the class of 2013 into a new era, the best four years of our lives.

Vote for the best and forget about the rest!

Vote Team Joseph!

__________________________________________________

They both came home euphoric. They both won.

They claim that it was because more people voted for them.

I know that it was because they had awesome speeches.

ahem...

The Laundry, part deux

I've had some questions regarding my our laundry process so I thought I'd just clear it up. Because I really am a nice person and if I say that enough times it might become true.

I do not have the kids sort and fold their own laundry. We have tried it. It did not work. The end.

So, therefore, I wash/dry/fold or hang up all the clothes. The kids bring the laundry to the laundry room and sort it for me. They also put their own clothes away after they are done.

I do not check any pockets before washing the clothes. I just can't stand the thought of sticking my hands into the great unknown that is their pockets. There could be all manner of funk in there and I'm a wimp.

I will, however, test the weight of the item and gingerly give it a pat down, just to check.

This method does not come without risks. What can I say? Risk taker is my middle name. Or names. Whichever.

That being said, I will pass on a tip: No manner of pretreating, rewashing, crying, begging, pleading, swearing, witchcraft or voodoo magic will undo the path of destruction that a green crayon will pave in a load of whites.

Next topic. I'm trying to forget about the green crayon incident.

I hang up all the shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, suits, skirts and dresses. The things that go in the drawers are jeans, shorts, play shirts, socks and undies. I used to put all shirts folded up in their dressers, but now they are older their shirts are bigger and everything just won't fit now.

I am an iron-a-holic. I actually enjoy ironing. I'm weird, I know. I even feel compelled to iron my pillowcases and the top part of my top sheet that kinda does this strange curvy-over-thingy that bugs. I do not iron my husband's clothes. Right after we married, I ironed one of his shirts and he informed me that I did not do it right. hmph... Therefore, because I am capable of holding a grudge for 15 years I do not iron any of his clothes.

Socks are an interesting thing, don't ya think? How I can put two socks in the wash and have only one come out is one of the great mysteries of life. I think sometimes they slip into clothes during the wash cycle. One time Joseph was almost through his entire school day when he noticed that he had a washcloth stuck up the sleeve of his sweatshirt. My kids are very observant, apparently.

But it got me wondering if that is what happened to all the socks around here? Maybe we are all walking around with several socks stuck in various pieces of clothing and not noticing? I'm also now sure that I must have 50 pounds of socks stuck inside my clothes. That would definitely explain a lot.

I have a sock basket. I only put socks in there when I can't find the match. And there they wait until I can locate their sole mate. Oh, come on, that was begging to be said.

I don't plan on giving the kids more laundry responsibility then they currently have because I'm territorial. I'd rather assign them other chores. It's not like I can have them do everything. At least that's what we tell people.

Not Me Monday

Are you sure it's Monday...again???

Let me start by saying that I am a perfect mother. I am hyper-vigilant and know where my children are at all times. I not only have eyes in the back of my head but also on the sides. My spidey sense is so totally evolved that I know immediately when one of my kids is doing something that they shouldn't be.

That being said...

It was not me that did not do a head count before rushing off to the store. I was not the one unaware that not all my kids were present and accounted for before telling my twins "good luck" "I'll be right back."

I did not drive to the store and then go in to get groceries while talking to myself...out loud unaware that I had a stowaway in the van.

Upon returning to the van with my groceries it was not me who didn't immediately notice anything amiss.

Because I am ultra aware and smart, it was not me that couldn't figure out why someone had been into her container of cookie dough...don't judge me snack. Theories of aliens, cookie dough snatchers, and shape shifters did not run through my head before realizing that I had a hitchhiker.

It was most certainly not my 5 year old son that I discovered, with cookie dough breath curled up under the seats. My kids are always in car seats and most definitely not able to sneak in my van, unnoticed.

Ahem...

Because I always know what my kids are doing, at all times, it was not me that failed to notice that her 3 year old had located a pair of scissors.

It did not escape my notice that my 3 year was giving himself a haircut (note to 3 year old boy-hairdresser not a good career choice). Also, when he was finished if you can call it that it was not his 3 year old sister's hair that he turned the scissors on. Thankfully, someone?...anyone? a sibling was paying attention and stopped before any real damage was done.

Sigh...

Because I am very smart, it was not me that couldn't figure out what was happening to the fake berries on the fake plant by the door.

Because I am of above average intelligence, it wouldn't have taken seeing one stuck up the nose of a certain 3 year old boy before the light bulb finally went on. is anything safe from this kid? I am definitely more "with it" than that.

Now I realize that I might definitely not be painting "not me" in a very positive light.

Color me a rocket scientist but I think it's best if I save all the rest of the "not me's" for another Monday.

After all, there should be a limit to the number of dumb things that a person gets to admit to in one week.

Right?

Wedding cakes

I did another wedding cake this weekend even though after last weekend I had sworn to never do another cake. I can't remember ever having so much fun doing a cake before. I used this cake as my guinea pig tried out a couple of new techniques and was deliriously happy with the result.

Apparently fondant icing tastes really, really bad. But it makes the cake look as smooth as a baby's butt really nice so people use it. The cake is first frosted with buttercream and then covered with fondant. When the cake is served the fondant is supposed to be peeled off (think like an orange) but mostly this doesn't happen. The fondant is served with the cake and, even though edible, the fondant really doesn't add to the whole cake experience.

I found a new technique on-line that makes the buttercream appear to be fondant. That way you have the nice smooth look without the whole wax eating experience of fondant.

The swags on the above cake are actually fondant, but homemade marshmallow fondant. So, although better tasting, I recommended that the swags not be served with the cake. The fondant has the taste/texture of a really thick marshmallow.

The innards cake itself was lemon with a homemade blueberry filling. Yummy!

And because you are curious about my disastrous cake from last weekend you asked for a pix of the last cake, here it is. Taken by my husband's cell phone, and almost not at all because I didn't know if I wanted photographic proof of the cake from Hades.

You can look, but don't mention it to me if we talk in person. I'm still suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.