Election 2009

**Please note that this is a long post. If your retinas are prone to bleeding from reading lots and lots of smart-mouthed, sarcastic words then you may want to pass on this one**


A-Cool*, Joseph, Michael, and Just-Cool*

*nicknames used to protect their secret identities. and plus they are not my kids and I don't want their parents to get mad at me.

This last week was the big election.

What? You didn't vote??!!!

Just kidding! It was the election at school for next years class officers.

See these four young men? what happened to my little babies??? All four of these young men are straight A students, athletes, have good values and morals and 3 of the four are almost Eagle Scouts. How grateful I am that my boys have really good friends to hang out with. Especially since they are entering high school in the fall.

For the past couple of weeks they have been consumed focused on the class elections. All four boys ran for a different office and were busy making and hanging up posters, threatening begging people to vote for them and not looking forward to giving speeches.

The night before the big speeches they came to me for help. Being the kind and caring mother that I am, I booted them out of the office and wrote the speeches myself listened to their input and helped them put together sarcastic and smart mouth speeches that fit with their personalities.

I must admit that we didn't come up with the speeches on our own. We plagiarized borrowed bits and pieces from other speeches that we found on-line, twisting the details to fit their own personal style plus they had waited till the night before the speeches and I was a tired, grumpy mama.

Michael, who was running for Vice President of next year's freshmen GULP class, had a very over the top, outrageous speech, given with dead seriousness. I am reprinting it here without his permission.

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Hello, I am Michael W*****, and I approve this message.

My fellow classmates, we face a time of great crisis: the crisis that I might not get elected. Do not sit idly by while this threat rears its ugly, un-American head. Give me your vote right now to ensure that this very real risk never happens.

What can you expect if Michael W***** gets elected? I promise to stock all the bathrooms with vanilla air fresheners. Because we all have the right to smell good things...and vanilla smells good. You’re welcome. I will also personally see to it that you have candy to eat during each class period. Because without candy, there is nothing.

And what if you elect my opponent? Our school rivals will come and leave half eaten hotdogs in the parking lot, Lions will be free to wander the halls, and the teachers will all be required to wear spandex to school. This is not the school that I want.

Remember, election day is not only about the votes I get; it’s also about how many people vote for my opponent. So it’s important for you, as my true supporters, to find people who plan to vote against me and stop them. Democracy must prevail!

I have no fancy campaign promises or devious smear tactics; I’m just a simple, down-home guy who likes adorable puppies, Mom’s apple pie, and nice shoes. I also like eating family dinners, having good, clean fun in a non-threatening fashion, and, of course, freedom. I support everything you support. I oppose everything you oppose. Remember: a vote for me is a vote for you.

Michael W*****, if you want the best, vote for the best.
Thank you!

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Joseph, who was running for Secretary, had a more serious speech with a few funny spots and he claims that his delivery was spot on. Here is his:

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Hello fellow classmates, many of whom I am honored to call "friend".

My name is Joseph W***** and I’m running for Freshman Class Secretary.

I’m hoping that I’ve already won you over with my charming good looks but just in case that hasn’t happened yet, I’ll move on to Plan B.

I’m a "glass half full" kind of guy, meaning that I choose to see the good in all situations. I don’t let problems become obstacles but merely view them as stepping stones to a brighter future.

For example, picture yourself at the beach. How do you view it? Is it all about the sunburn, sand in your...costume, cold water and a stomach that isn’t quite 6 pack-ish? Or do you see the beauty? The sun, sand and waves? It’s all about perspective and having "vision". And I am proud to say that vision is my middle name.

I am honored and proud to be part of an amazing team. A team of four friends that are great athletes, wonderful students and have high standards, values and a strong work ethic. Four friends that proudly represent some of the finest that this school has to offer.


Along with my twin brother Michael, Just-Cool* the W*****enator and A-Cool* Smackdown E*** we make up one truly remarkable team. A team that will lead this amazing group of students, the class of 2013 into a new era, the best four years of our lives.

Vote for the best and forget about the rest!

Vote Team Joseph!

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They both came home euphoric. They both won.

They claim that it was because more people voted for them.

I know that it was because they had awesome speeches.

ahem...