Not Me Monday

Are you sure it's Monday...again???

Let me start by saying that I am a perfect mother. I am hyper-vigilant and know where my children are at all times. I not only have eyes in the back of my head but also on the sides. My spidey sense is so totally evolved that I know immediately when one of my kids is doing something that they shouldn't be.

That being said...

It was not me that did not do a head count before rushing off to the store. I was not the one unaware that not all my kids were present and accounted for before telling my twins "good luck" "I'll be right back."

I did not drive to the store and then go in to get groceries while talking to myself...out loud unaware that I had a stowaway in the van.

Upon returning to the van with my groceries it was not me who didn't immediately notice anything amiss.

Because I am ultra aware and smart, it was not me that couldn't figure out why someone had been into her container of cookie dough...don't judge me snack. Theories of aliens, cookie dough snatchers, and shape shifters did not run through my head before realizing that I had a hitchhiker.

It was most certainly not my 5 year old son that I discovered, with cookie dough breath curled up under the seats. My kids are always in car seats and most definitely not able to sneak in my van, unnoticed.

Ahem...

Because I always know what my kids are doing, at all times, it was not me that failed to notice that her 3 year old had located a pair of scissors.

It did not escape my notice that my 3 year was giving himself a haircut (note to 3 year old boy-hairdresser not a good career choice). Also, when he was finished if you can call it that it was not his 3 year old sister's hair that he turned the scissors on. Thankfully, someone?...anyone? a sibling was paying attention and stopped before any real damage was done.

Sigh...

Because I am very smart, it was not me that couldn't figure out what was happening to the fake berries on the fake plant by the door.

Because I am of above average intelligence, it wouldn't have taken seeing one stuck up the nose of a certain 3 year old boy before the light bulb finally went on. is anything safe from this kid? I am definitely more "with it" than that.

Now I realize that I might definitely not be painting "not me" in a very positive light.

Color me a rocket scientist but I think it's best if I save all the rest of the "not me's" for another Monday.

After all, there should be a limit to the number of dumb things that a person gets to admit to in one week.

Right?