Not Me Monday

Sigh...Monday again why does that happen every week, I ask you?

I just feel the need to point out what a perfect mother I am. I care deeply about my family's nutritional intake and ponder deeply on a daily basis what wholesome, organic, from-scratch meals I can serve them.

I don't go on shop-a-thons, spend almost $1000 dollars on groceries with a crazy plan to mass cook meals.

I don't come home, have my slave labor kids pile it ALL onto the counter and then wish I didn't have to cook all.that.food.

I would never feel pressured to follow through with my highly stupid intense meal preparation plan and assemble 125+ meals for the freezer.

Part of the preparation plan would definitely not include staying up two different nights all freakin night for massive, interrupted cook-a-thons. I would not be that insane or desperate to avoid cooking long term.

Because I plan ahead like a seriously deranged individual with OCD I would have realized that there was not enough freezer space in our four freezers.

I certainly wouldn't have threatened my husband and demanded that he had better not come home at all unless he had another freezer with him. I definitely wouldn't take out my lack of planning on him although it did make me feel better.

ahem...

Nothing scares this superchick. Not.one.thing. It's actually a whole lot of things with bugs being up at the top of the list.

When reaching out the french doors for a plug in no stairs, by the way. Just a sharp drop to the wild outdoors I certainly wouldn't have stuck my hand in a spiderweb. Out of the corner of my eye, the sight of a leaf moving that was stuck in the web wouldn't have caused me to have a panic attack. I.fear.nothing.

You wouldn't have found me screaming, loosing my balance and doing a face plant on the dirty dirt either. I have more style that a cat and always land on my feet.

When my little piggy toe the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home felt like it had been self-amputated, I would have immediately checked. The first thought on my mind wouldn't have been the status of my fingernails. I am not shallow like that.

And since we are on the unfortunate topic of bugs, I would like to point out that I have no fear when opening my locked mailbox.

I don't care if little buggy-looking bugs have the misplaced assumption that underneath the handle is a prime piece of real estate. I fear them not.

So, when an alarmed bug flew out from under the handle I most certainly wouldn't have screamed. loud enough to alert the neighbors

And I most certainly would have never, ever ripped my hand back from the handle with enough force to accidentally fling my keys all the way across the road.

Thank goodness no one was looking...

Or that they took pity on "not me" and didn't laugh loud enough for me to hear.

Sigh...