More specifically, the fear of losing a child. When you experience that kind of fear it manifests itself in every cell of your being, putting all systems on red alert.
I've felt this fear before, during Lily's delivery. I felt this fear again Thursday night.
Thursday night I was giving her a bath and she was sitting in the bathtub, playing with toys. Suddenly she let out a shriek and went limp. I scooped her up out of the tub but she was unresponsive. I sat down on the bathroom floor and cradled her in my arms. I kept saying her name but she wouldn't move. Her pupils were tiny and her eyes stared blankly off to the side. I puffed softly on her face and...nothing. She didn't flinch, her eyelids didn't even close. I put my hand on her chest and felt her heart racing. I rubbed her limp little legs and arms but still no response.
Michael, who was in the bathroom talking to me when this occurred, asked if he could do anything to help. My sweet 14 year old son, alarmed but armed with knowledge from his First Aid merit badge, wanted to help. I asked him to call his dad and find out where he was. Corey had been working about 2 hours away from us all week and was on his way home. Michael got him on the phone and we found out he was only five minutes from home. I told him to hurry.
I got off the phone and looked again at my baby. She was now pale and her lips were turning blue. I put my ear up to her face so I check and see if she was breathing. I couldn't tell. I was about to call 911 when I saw her eyes move. She still wasn't focusing on anything or anyone but she seemed to be coming around. By the time Corey got home, just a few minutes later, some color had returned to her face and she was starting to shake. She then appeared really tired and tried to go to sleep.
Corey immediately took her to Urgent Care. She was looked at briefly there and then they asked for her to be taken to the ER. By the time the ER doctor saw her she was acting like her old self again. He called me (waiting impatiently at home) and asked me a bunch of questions. He wanted to know if we had any history of seizures in our families, if I had left her alone in the bathtub, if she had been face down in the water...I assured him that I had never left her side. I was concerned if this "episode" had anything to do with her being deprived of oxygen during birth. He said that he did not feel this was related.
At this time, we are not running any tests on her. We do not know what it was for sure. We do not know what triggered it. We do not know if it will happen again. We have so many questions but no answers. We have been asked to have her examined by her regular doctor and for now we wait...and we pray that this does not happen again.
Friday she seemed tired and slept most of the day. After getting up, she seemed like her regular self, she played as usual, ate normal and her feisty personality was intact. I think she got sick of me hovering
Even for that, I am grateful.